Passive Aggressive Notes That I’ve Wanted to Write Recently

Dear Mailman,

You seem like a nice guy, and I want to like you, but your spotty work ethic is a great example of why the USPS is in the crapper. It’s bad enough that I have no idea when to expect you because you appear at the most random times of day. Noon? Three o’clock? Six? I don’t know, there’s no rhyme or reason.

But that time that you stuck our incoming mail right on top of the letters I had waiting to go out? For shame. You had to realize what a bonehead move you were making, because you pushed the little “hey, Mr. Letter Carrier, there are letters waiting to be carried in here” flag on the mailbox down. But then you didn’t take my letters.

And my niece’s birthday card was late.


No love,

P.S. Okay, so my niece’s birthday card was late because I always send cards late, but it was an EXTRA DAY LATE because of you, and that’s just unacceptable.


Dear Kroger,

I’m stuck doing all my shopping at your store for one reason and one reason only: Homestead Creamery Milk. Sure, I like getting free gas, and you’re very conveniently located, and your employees are really nice, et cetera. But no other grocery store sells the chocolate milk my family loves, and let’s be honest, I’m too lazy to go all over town to get my grocery shopping done. It’s bad enough I have to go to Target for pet food, for Pete’s sake. Anyway, can we talk about my wine soul mate? One of the ways you won my heart years ago was that you had Apothic Red for one, two, or even four dollars less than other chains, and I truly believed that you had my best interests at heart.

But it appears you’re all sorts of impressed with yourself since you started renovating your stores and looking all fancy. You’re charging just as much as everyone else, and that’s just sad. If all the other grocery stores jumped off a cliff, would you? I mean, WOULD YOU?

Terribly disappointed,

P.S. I have recently discovered a new red blend that costs less than $10 a bottle, and it is heavenly and it makes me sort of want to forgive you for the Apothic situation. But so help me God if you raise the price on this one, I will be forced to make empty threats. And we don’t want that, now do we? DO WE???


Dear Target,

Let’s get real. When you label a shelf full of red-tagged items as “clearance” but you only mark those items down 15%, I get a little twitchy. That is not “clearance.” That is a “sale.” “Clearance” means you are desperate to get rid of these items and are willing to sell them at cost or even at a loss, and we all know that even at a discount of 15%, you’re still making a profit on your cheap plastic crap.

I know you’ve managed to fool the rest of the world into thinking that you’re the enlightened man’s Wal-mart, but I’m on to you, Target. I’m on to you.



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